Being Myself ....

Sometimes, I wonder what is being ‘I’, what I am? Silly isn't it. But I don’t know the answer really. And I believe, to have a precise answer for this is utmost important. But even if I get an answer, who is going to testify and approve the sanity? So what should be done? Who can help me with my self-realization trauma? Can my family members help? Can my colleagues at the work-place help? Can my friends (I am short of this rare commodity already) help? Of-course they would love to comment and endorse strong views over me, for being judgmental comes naturally to all the human beings. People love to judge people. But … Ok, let it be, before I get diverted further, the ‘question’ here is how will I get the answer to my ‘question’? Not sure.

Theoretically speaking, who am I? A ‘software professional’ who believes in having the feet firmly stuck to the ground; who knows only one way of survival that is ‘hard work’; who personally and mutely rubbishes factors like ‘luck’, ‘fate’ etal; who hates boasting about self-achievements and absolutely loves cribbing about self-issues and problems (only superficially. Because I am seriously interested in a self-introspection here, hence trying the best to be truthful… pardon me.); who loves maintaining a low profile and concentrate more on walking the talk; who hates judging the people around and plainly ignores judgmental views (being judgmental is preposterous and barbaric, a symbol of illiteracy. Call these views ‘Taliban’ic, I would still take that … amen!! And because you did so, you are judgmental … ‘Catch-22’fied?); who occasionally is extremely low with confidence and self-esteem (so low that sometimes even the blood group changes from ‘B+’ to ‘B-‘ … funny. Cheapster PJ.); who hates getting angry, forget about a public or even private display of anger, absolutely 0 decibel levels here; who is a strong believer of the theory that the most difficult animal to be tamed is a human being – no matter what happens, a perverted mind will remain so vis-à-vis a person with beautiful thoughts will remain so; who believes that ‘piece of mind’ if traded is always cheaper at any price; who plainly loves his family and will forever – family is above everything; who is absolutely lazy and extremely introvert at times; who takes time identifying a bonding with people; who believes that every individual has something good in him or herself and one should always try to concentrate and take a cue only from those good and great qualities and ignore the shortcomings.

With all the crap jotted above, the only conclusion that I could draw is that it is inconclusive to precisely categorize and define myself. And surely, I need some ‘judgmental’ external views for refinement and reaching a conclusion … amen!!

Horizon … the way forward.

While I am busy pondering over the mishaps,

People around have been busy catching up and run.

If at all I won’t wake up for the mission,

I might lose the battles in life and all the exiting fun.

It is utmost important to gather the focus and strength,

For that is the only way forward only where awaits the glorious sun.

Taking a cue from the ‘Phoenix’, my mysterious feathered friend,

It is time to reborn from the ashes as the destiny beacon.

So important it is to fold the experiences and jot,

For one must not get into the same dreaded situation falling for a similar plot.

Also, learn from the horrendous mistakes and take an oath,

One must look deep into the ocean for the pearls instead of jollying the froth.

Heart broke ... and humbled.

Heart broke … It has been more than a week and I have been writing a lot over this. I wonder if writing is just a hobby for me. It indeed is more than that – my blog is my closest friend. Almost everything I experience and feel is either on the surface or would lie buried deep into the drafted archives somewhere. Most of these details capture the joys and sorrows that touch my soul some way or the other. Reading these archives is sometimes soothing and relaxing, sometimes it is cheerful and sunshine. But then sometimes it is painful and depressing; sometimes even causing soreness and moisture to accumulate across my eyes. I guess most of my recent archives have been of the latter type keeping my handkerchief busy. Today again, it is one of those days when I am in a desperate need of some cozy, emotional support. My blog comes to my rescue.

Sometimes when you allow others to play with your self-esteem to the extreme, you tend to forget that the only possible outcome of the tryst would be a murderous painful split. This is something that I got to understand recently after a scary encounter. 

At the same time, there are instances when everything seems to be correct and perfect. Everything falling into the place; but then not to be; for some unknown reason it doesn’t. And then you get restless. 

Both of these are painful humbling experiences, but with a piece of learning. There are a lot of things which are not in our control, one of them being the human behavior. A person good at heart and straight in the thoughts might be harsh but will be adorable. Whereas another person with wittiness and malice in thoughts and deeds will never change, no matter how much affection and care one showers. The love and affection will be made a mockery of on the face and you will be stabbed regularly and continuously … till the last drop of red or till the time you will allow. Depends on how low you can get with yourself and your self-esteem. 

In my case, the self-esteem was almost killed. For, there are adversities that come alongside of being too humble. Fortunately, I pulled out of this massacre before it was too late. But just like any other mishap, there have been aftermaths. There have been a lot of attempts to defame the family, but all in vein. Besides, these acts of sheer naivety have further bolstered the sanity of our decisions. As shameless and brazen as one could get, still it is hard to get down to that level and endorse a fake malice as ‘they’ have been trying. It is utter scary and dark to actually experience in reality, the grey shades as that of the ‘soap vamps’ and ‘venomous characters’ out of the celluloid, and that too this close.

Indeed, God balances the lows and highs in one’s life - a beautiful instance of the existence of the law of averages. Just when everything seemed to be moving smoothly, this mishap popped to retain the equilibrium of life, reminding me to stay stuck to the ground. I wonder how long will it take for me to rush out of this terrible phase. 

Heart broke ... prologue

Eerie place it is, the Gurgaon Railway Station. It was another three hours to go before my train would have arrived. Completely drenched, it was the third time I was sipping the dreaded tea ... so was the rain, dreaded. I hate rains. And annoyingly, exactly at the same time, every other person I knew was not answering the phone - friends, office mates, even those who act as perfect fillers for this very kind of situation when there is a desperate urge to kill time. What was more intriguing was the thought that I would again get into that gloomy mood unless I would have got something to get distracted. Short of options, I clogged my ears with some Telegu music (from the movie called 'Dookudu'. This one is a separate story, a comical one. Some other day and time.) and triggered the lappy and rushed straight to my blogger archives.

Heart-broke ... (16th August 2011)

I cannot explain the way I am feeling right now. Its blasphemous.

Insane but interesting it is. Every other problem in life looks the biggest yet. Funny ....

Never ever in my life had I ever thought about that special being. I did not ever cared, too much concerned and pre-occupied with hypothetical educational and then career dreams forever. Then un-till it was utmost impossible task to do away with the parental pressure, I had to succumb to it. With a swollen state of mind I had to follow the procedures. Un-till it was to an extent that more than half of the year passed and an eerie feeling dwelled across me over the entire setup. I was hating the process.

Then it was Monday, 15th of August 2011. Yet another prospect to be visited. Only this time, I had a strange feeling about it. It was one of my cousin aunt who had set up this meeting. My aunt, this was not something worth a mention here but the reason I did that was a fact that she was one of the few relatives whom I could associate with bringing good omen for 'us'. (I am not fond of my relatives anyway. Yaa, I know ... pathetic.) The last time I met her was at IIT Powai - the counseling session for kiddo bro - and it was a 'triumph'ical tryst. This time again, I met her and she was smiling as ever. I greeted her, and she responded gleefully. The only difference this time was the extra special mention and attention I got. Ohh, for the love of God, I hate special attention. As we entered the place, a swarm of unfamiliar but cheerful faces awaited us. Everybody got seated and it was only then that I started feeling a little scratchy with the setup; for everybody was looking at me with a peculiar glare. Shuts, I hate special attention. Then to break the monotony of the setup, sundry talks started ranging from 'politics' to 'the harsh weather' to 'generations and their differences' and 'who's who of what and when'. ....

[The Nokia Jingle]

My phone rang. It was Varun, possibly responding to an unattended call. The efforts helped. I got distracted. So much so that I could not comprehend and recall what all I chatted with Varun. I was still thinking about what I read. Gloomy memories. I could not 'not think' about her.