Horizon … the way forward.

While I am busy pondering over the mishaps,

People around have been busy catching up and run.

If at all I won’t wake up for the mission,

I might lose the battles in life and all the exiting fun.

It is utmost important to gather the focus and strength,

For that is the only way forward only where awaits the glorious sun.

Taking a cue from the ‘Phoenix’, my mysterious feathered friend,

It is time to reborn from the ashes as the destiny beacon.

So important it is to fold the experiences and jot,

For one must not get into the same dreaded situation falling for a similar plot.

Also, learn from the horrendous mistakes and take an oath,

One must look deep into the ocean for the pearls instead of jollying the froth.

Heart broke ... and humbled.

Heart broke … It has been more than a week and I have been writing a lot over this. I wonder if writing is just a hobby for me. It indeed is more than that – my blog is my closest friend. Almost everything I experience and feel is either on the surface or would lie buried deep into the drafted archives somewhere. Most of these details capture the joys and sorrows that touch my soul some way or the other. Reading these archives is sometimes soothing and relaxing, sometimes it is cheerful and sunshine. But then sometimes it is painful and depressing; sometimes even causing soreness and moisture to accumulate across my eyes. I guess most of my recent archives have been of the latter type keeping my handkerchief busy. Today again, it is one of those days when I am in a desperate need of some cozy, emotional support. My blog comes to my rescue.

Sometimes when you allow others to play with your self-esteem to the extreme, you tend to forget that the only possible outcome of the tryst would be a murderous painful split. This is something that I got to understand recently after a scary encounter. 

At the same time, there are instances when everything seems to be correct and perfect. Everything falling into the place; but then not to be; for some unknown reason it doesn’t. And then you get restless. 

Both of these are painful humbling experiences, but with a piece of learning. There are a lot of things which are not in our control, one of them being the human behavior. A person good at heart and straight in the thoughts might be harsh but will be adorable. Whereas another person with wittiness and malice in thoughts and deeds will never change, no matter how much affection and care one showers. The love and affection will be made a mockery of on the face and you will be stabbed regularly and continuously … till the last drop of red or till the time you will allow. Depends on how low you can get with yourself and your self-esteem. 

In my case, the self-esteem was almost killed. For, there are adversities that come alongside of being too humble. Fortunately, I pulled out of this massacre before it was too late. But just like any other mishap, there have been aftermaths. There have been a lot of attempts to defame the family, but all in vein. Besides, these acts of sheer naivety have further bolstered the sanity of our decisions. As shameless and brazen as one could get, still it is hard to get down to that level and endorse a fake malice as ‘they’ have been trying. It is utter scary and dark to actually experience in reality, the grey shades as that of the ‘soap vamps’ and ‘venomous characters’ out of the celluloid, and that too this close.

Indeed, God balances the lows and highs in one’s life - a beautiful instance of the existence of the law of averages. Just when everything seemed to be moving smoothly, this mishap popped to retain the equilibrium of life, reminding me to stay stuck to the ground. I wonder how long will it take for me to rush out of this terrible phase. 

Heart broke ... prologue

Eerie place it is, the Gurgaon Railway Station. It was another three hours to go before my train would have arrived. Completely drenched, it was the third time I was sipping the dreaded tea ... so was the rain, dreaded. I hate rains. And annoyingly, exactly at the same time, every other person I knew was not answering the phone - friends, office mates, even those who act as perfect fillers for this very kind of situation when there is a desperate urge to kill time. What was more intriguing was the thought that I would again get into that gloomy mood unless I would have got something to get distracted. Short of options, I clogged my ears with some Telegu music (from the movie called 'Dookudu'. This one is a separate story, a comical one. Some other day and time.) and triggered the lappy and rushed straight to my blogger archives.

Heart-broke ... (16th August 2011)

I cannot explain the way I am feeling right now. Its blasphemous.

Insane but interesting it is. Every other problem in life looks the biggest yet. Funny ....

Never ever in my life had I ever thought about that special being. I did not ever cared, too much concerned and pre-occupied with hypothetical educational and then career dreams forever. Then un-till it was utmost impossible task to do away with the parental pressure, I had to succumb to it. With a swollen state of mind I had to follow the procedures. Un-till it was to an extent that more than half of the year passed and an eerie feeling dwelled across me over the entire setup. I was hating the process.

Then it was Monday, 15th of August 2011. Yet another prospect to be visited. Only this time, I had a strange feeling about it. It was one of my cousin aunt who had set up this meeting. My aunt, this was not something worth a mention here but the reason I did that was a fact that she was one of the few relatives whom I could associate with bringing good omen for 'us'. (I am not fond of my relatives anyway. Yaa, I know ... pathetic.) The last time I met her was at IIT Powai - the counseling session for kiddo bro - and it was a 'triumph'ical tryst. This time again, I met her and she was smiling as ever. I greeted her, and she responded gleefully. The only difference this time was the extra special mention and attention I got. Ohh, for the love of God, I hate special attention. As we entered the place, a swarm of unfamiliar but cheerful faces awaited us. Everybody got seated and it was only then that I started feeling a little scratchy with the setup; for everybody was looking at me with a peculiar glare. Shuts, I hate special attention. Then to break the monotony of the setup, sundry talks started ranging from 'politics' to 'the harsh weather' to 'generations and their differences' and 'who's who of what and when'. ....

[The Nokia Jingle]

My phone rang. It was Varun, possibly responding to an unattended call. The efforts helped. I got distracted. So much so that I could not comprehend and recall what all I chatted with Varun. I was still thinking about what I read. Gloomy memories. I could not 'not think' about her.

The race against time ....

It was for the trillionth time that I was trying to jot down something on a piece of paper and could not. It was almost midnight. Both Nitish and I were still in the office. He of course had work to do and I had some personal issues to deal with. Surprising and strange, for I was the one known to be a workaholic and insanely in love with the job.

‘What the hell is the matter with you man? Are you under the influence of an insomniac tranquilizer or what? I have never seen you as dull and dejected as you are right now? Excuse me for being so inquisitive, but is it something personal that is haunting you?’ one after the other, Nitish had questions lined up.

I could not resist but grinned. He could understand that I had been hit below the belt. He refrained.

‘You had your dinner? Haah, let me guess … you didn’t.’ he sounded like mom.

‘Let’s go and have some subs. That is the only option available during these wee hours of the day.’ He didn’t even cared to wait for my affirmation and pulled me out of the chair.

Still lost, I didn’t even realize while the order was placed already.

‘My treat man! ’ said Nitish. I grinned. ‘As a vegetarian, you do not have much choice here. Hard luck.’ This time it was a chance for both of us to share a smile.

As the gong over the antique timepiece struck 12:00, I got distracted and was again lost in thoughts. ‘Would you care to tell me what the matter is? ’

I sometimes wonder what purpose did this old timepiece served in a state of art cafeteria. American Express being one of the best places to work in the country, such a lavish facility, state of art infrastructure and then this rickety time piece in the cafeteria.

‘Man, I am asking something. Unless it bothers you to share, please tell me what is the matter?’ Nitish again interrupted me off my thoughts. I grinned.

‘Should I take your fake smiles to be a denial?’ I guess, he had decided to take me to the task unless I decide to open up.

‘It’s nothing Sir, just some family issues. ’ It was the first time that I had spoken.

‘Ok man, if it is too personal to share, its fine, otherwise you can share it with me.’ The selfless concerns over his face were clearly evident. ‘Look man, all I care about is to get my cheerful buddy back to work. Your attitude is contagious, like it used to spread workaholism its spreading dullness now. Stop being a girl.’

‘My mom is not keeping well. Some recent events have been troubling the family. I cannot concentrate on the work right now and I feel sorry for myself. My marriage was called off.’ I could not say anything any further without choking. Nitish got some water.

‘Ohh, sorry to hear that.’ He took a pause for a minute.

‘Man, I am not sure how you are dealing with it …. have some water first’. He stopped till the time I finished. ‘So, as I was suggesting, I am not sure if you are handling it the correct way. As far as I can see, it is utmost important right now for you to concentrate on the work, for it is far easier to lose focus on the job over the pity issues ….’ Pity issues, how the hell could he take these as pity issues? Even though I could not utter anything, he got my discomfort out of the frowning face. He smiled.

‘And when I am calling these pity issues, I mean it. Of course to take care of the health of your mother is important but to lose focus over the job because your marriage was called off is actually uncalled off. Rather, it is imperative for you to focus on the job at hand with a much greater intensity right now. It would not only help shift your focus off the grudges but also would avoid your losing a position of advantage that you have built across the team and the client. Man, like we always suggest, one should never take the office work back home. So not should one take the personal troubles back to work.’ It was time for him to take a sip now after a long speech.

‘Now, if you feel that I am being selfish thinking in terms of losing a good hardworking colleague, I am ok taking that blame. It is all worthed if it helps you. The choice is yours.’ His phone rang and I was relieved to have got some time before I had to disclose the ‘choice’ I would make.

Speaking of the time, I was again staring at the time piece. I could still not understand the need of the rickety antique to be put here in the lavish cafeteria. Then I saw some engravings just below the time piece. However, I could not read because of the distance. I guess it was something to do with the historical manuscript of the time piece. I stood up to reach for the manuscript. I wonder why I could not be inquisitive about the time piece previously. Possibly, with such a sprinting and tiring routine, I never noticed the peculiarity of the time piece ever. As I was striding towards the time piece, I could not realize that Nitish was done with his call.

‘Man!’ he called for me. ‘Wifey called, rather yelled. Its almost 2:00 AM, I guess we should leave now.’

Ohh yes, it is very late. The last thing that I noticed on the time piece was ‘time’.

The next morning, as I reached office, I rushed towards the time piece. The manuscript read:

‘Time = life; therefore, waste your time and waste of your life, or master your time and master your life. - Alan Lakein’

Humbled … yet again. (Part-1)

The eerie feeling yet again; humbled yet again ….

While life was strolling just fine with a gorgeous career and the delicious piece of mind, something had to break the beautiful monotony and this happened. Shit happened ….

Within a short span of eight months, how much could one loose and to what extent? Unimaginable damage … humbled yet again. While I try to jot down what all I have lost, I feel ashamed and dejected. For, apart from the perishable losses, the most chronic was the mental trauma for my parents and me. I was responsible for all of it. I wish I could be forgiven for that someday … amen.

But at the same time, on the hindsight, the positive out of all this is the fact that had I have had not pulled out, this torture could have continued even further and scarily forever.

Still recovering from the shock, there are a lot of ‘things to learn’ out of the mishap. A human being can fight anything, but not wittiness. Had my manners have had allowed me to drop to the same level as that of ‘them’, I could have used the appropriate adjectives to elaborate. Humbug …. However, curbing the temptation to abuse, I rather want to concentrate on what went wrong, terribly. Of course, we (me and family) were new to this, but still it was a horrible mistake to gamble with a new relationship without quizzing 'their' backdrop. I feel rather ashamed of disowning and humiliating my inherited ethics and family values for the sake of holding on to a single relationship. Ignoring the ‘loud-mouthed’ness and brazenness, considering them as the initial jitters of a nascent relationship and thinking that everything will be fine eventually, turned out to be a slanderous mistake that I committed.

To disrespect the family, being hopelessly selfish, hijacking the agenda to a self-righteous cause, being indifferent to the cause of keeping the family ties bonded, being shamelessly witty and immaculate at backstabbing are some qualities that could not do any good to the cause of the relationship. Even with repeated hints and displeasure shown, ‘they’ could not understand that 'their' deeds were killing the relationship. Rather, it seemed that my silence and softness was taken as some kind of affirmation. Good for us, for the fact that the malice and wittiness was exposed in time.

In the true faith of God, God knows how ‘deep red’ was my commitment for the relationship. But like a leeching mite would relish flesh, 'they' dwelled onto it, leaving my heart drenched in ‘deep red’. I feel dejected to have allowed 'them' to try and part me away from my family. Foolish 'them', for nothing in this world could have made me part away from mom and dad, it’s a no brainer. Again, I took 'their' foolish attempts to be, as I mentioned previously, the initial jitters of a nascent relationship. Also, I had faith in the purity of my commitment to the relationship and was deliberately ignoring a lot of ‘issues’ just thinking that everything will be fine eventually. But, I guess it was enough to reach the breakeven and hence the dreaded end.

‘They’ killed the relationship out of 'their' wittiness and, I would rather say, brazenness. And, foolishly, have possibly not realized it yet. Or rather, 'they' do not want to admit it.

Now if I could allow myself to be that despicable (cannot contain my fury any further) and down-market as 'they' are (as 'they' have been asking for a ‘ransom’ money in lieu of refraining from faking a bad publicity), I could jot the ‘$ impact’ down to be somewhere ranging a quarter million. But I feel good for the fact that those plethora immortal things that were a token of love, would haunt 'them' and possibly if at all 'they' are human, would make 'them' feel ashamed for 'their' deeds … amen.