The race against time ....

It was for the trillionth time that I was trying to jot down something on a piece of paper and could not. It was almost midnight. Both Nitish and I were still in the office. He of course had work to do and I had some personal issues to deal with. Surprising and strange, for I was the one known to be a workaholic and insanely in love with the job.

‘What the hell is the matter with you man? Are you under the influence of an insomniac tranquilizer or what? I have never seen you as dull and dejected as you are right now? Excuse me for being so inquisitive, but is it something personal that is haunting you?’ one after the other, Nitish had questions lined up.

I could not resist but grinned. He could understand that I had been hit below the belt. He refrained.

‘You had your dinner? Haah, let me guess … you didn’t.’ he sounded like mom.

‘Let’s go and have some subs. That is the only option available during these wee hours of the day.’ He didn’t even cared to wait for my affirmation and pulled me out of the chair.

Still lost, I didn’t even realize while the order was placed already.

‘My treat man! ’ said Nitish. I grinned. ‘As a vegetarian, you do not have much choice here. Hard luck.’ This time it was a chance for both of us to share a smile.

As the gong over the antique timepiece struck 12:00, I got distracted and was again lost in thoughts. ‘Would you care to tell me what the matter is? ’

I sometimes wonder what purpose did this old timepiece served in a state of art cafeteria. American Express being one of the best places to work in the country, such a lavish facility, state of art infrastructure and then this rickety time piece in the cafeteria.

‘Man, I am asking something. Unless it bothers you to share, please tell me what is the matter?’ Nitish again interrupted me off my thoughts. I grinned.

‘Should I take your fake smiles to be a denial?’ I guess, he had decided to take me to the task unless I decide to open up.

‘It’s nothing Sir, just some family issues. ’ It was the first time that I had spoken.

‘Ok man, if it is too personal to share, its fine, otherwise you can share it with me.’ The selfless concerns over his face were clearly evident. ‘Look man, all I care about is to get my cheerful buddy back to work. Your attitude is contagious, like it used to spread workaholism its spreading dullness now. Stop being a girl.’

‘My mom is not keeping well. Some recent events have been troubling the family. I cannot concentrate on the work right now and I feel sorry for myself. My marriage was called off.’ I could not say anything any further without choking. Nitish got some water.

‘Ohh, sorry to hear that.’ He took a pause for a minute.

‘Man, I am not sure how you are dealing with it …. have some water first’. He stopped till the time I finished. ‘So, as I was suggesting, I am not sure if you are handling it the correct way. As far as I can see, it is utmost important right now for you to concentrate on the work, for it is far easier to lose focus on the job over the pity issues ….’ Pity issues, how the hell could he take these as pity issues? Even though I could not utter anything, he got my discomfort out of the frowning face. He smiled.

‘And when I am calling these pity issues, I mean it. Of course to take care of the health of your mother is important but to lose focus over the job because your marriage was called off is actually uncalled off. Rather, it is imperative for you to focus on the job at hand with a much greater intensity right now. It would not only help shift your focus off the grudges but also would avoid your losing a position of advantage that you have built across the team and the client. Man, like we always suggest, one should never take the office work back home. So not should one take the personal troubles back to work.’ It was time for him to take a sip now after a long speech.

‘Now, if you feel that I am being selfish thinking in terms of losing a good hardworking colleague, I am ok taking that blame. It is all worthed if it helps you. The choice is yours.’ His phone rang and I was relieved to have got some time before I had to disclose the ‘choice’ I would make.

Speaking of the time, I was again staring at the time piece. I could still not understand the need of the rickety antique to be put here in the lavish cafeteria. Then I saw some engravings just below the time piece. However, I could not read because of the distance. I guess it was something to do with the historical manuscript of the time piece. I stood up to reach for the manuscript. I wonder why I could not be inquisitive about the time piece previously. Possibly, with such a sprinting and tiring routine, I never noticed the peculiarity of the time piece ever. As I was striding towards the time piece, I could not realize that Nitish was done with his call.

‘Man!’ he called for me. ‘Wifey called, rather yelled. Its almost 2:00 AM, I guess we should leave now.’

Ohh yes, it is very late. The last thing that I noticed on the time piece was ‘time’.

The next morning, as I reached office, I rushed towards the time piece. The manuscript read:

‘Time = life; therefore, waste your time and waste of your life, or master your time and master your life. - Alan Lakein’

Humbled … yet again. (Part-1)

The eerie feeling yet again; humbled yet again ….

While life was strolling just fine with a gorgeous career and the delicious piece of mind, something had to break the beautiful monotony and this happened. Shit happened ….

Within a short span of eight months, how much could one loose and to what extent? Unimaginable damage … humbled yet again. While I try to jot down what all I have lost, I feel ashamed and dejected. For, apart from the perishable losses, the most chronic was the mental trauma for my parents and me. I was responsible for all of it. I wish I could be forgiven for that someday … amen.

But at the same time, on the hindsight, the positive out of all this is the fact that had I have had not pulled out, this torture could have continued even further and scarily forever.

Still recovering from the shock, there are a lot of ‘things to learn’ out of the mishap. A human being can fight anything, but not wittiness. Had my manners have had allowed me to drop to the same level as that of ‘them’, I could have used the appropriate adjectives to elaborate. Humbug …. However, curbing the temptation to abuse, I rather want to concentrate on what went wrong, terribly. Of course, we (me and family) were new to this, but still it was a horrible mistake to gamble with a new relationship without quizzing 'their' backdrop. I feel rather ashamed of disowning and humiliating my inherited ethics and family values for the sake of holding on to a single relationship. Ignoring the ‘loud-mouthed’ness and brazenness, considering them as the initial jitters of a nascent relationship and thinking that everything will be fine eventually, turned out to be a slanderous mistake that I committed.

To disrespect the family, being hopelessly selfish, hijacking the agenda to a self-righteous cause, being indifferent to the cause of keeping the family ties bonded, being shamelessly witty and immaculate at backstabbing are some qualities that could not do any good to the cause of the relationship. Even with repeated hints and displeasure shown, ‘they’ could not understand that 'their' deeds were killing the relationship. Rather, it seemed that my silence and softness was taken as some kind of affirmation. Good for us, for the fact that the malice and wittiness was exposed in time.

In the true faith of God, God knows how ‘deep red’ was my commitment for the relationship. But like a leeching mite would relish flesh, 'they' dwelled onto it, leaving my heart drenched in ‘deep red’. I feel dejected to have allowed 'them' to try and part me away from my family. Foolish 'them', for nothing in this world could have made me part away from mom and dad, it’s a no brainer. Again, I took 'their' foolish attempts to be, as I mentioned previously, the initial jitters of a nascent relationship. Also, I had faith in the purity of my commitment to the relationship and was deliberately ignoring a lot of ‘issues’ just thinking that everything will be fine eventually. But, I guess it was enough to reach the breakeven and hence the dreaded end.

‘They’ killed the relationship out of 'their' wittiness and, I would rather say, brazenness. And, foolishly, have possibly not realized it yet. Or rather, 'they' do not want to admit it.

Now if I could allow myself to be that despicable (cannot contain my fury any further) and down-market as 'they' are (as 'they' have been asking for a ‘ransom’ money in lieu of refraining from faking a bad publicity), I could jot the ‘$ impact’ down to be somewhere ranging a quarter million. But I feel good for the fact that those plethora immortal things that were a token of love, would haunt 'them' and possibly if at all 'they' are human, would make 'them' feel ashamed for 'their' deeds … amen.

I luv u mom …

Whenever I was down, you always could know it already somehow. Even though I was rude, I wanted solitude, you never left me alone. You loved me so much, even though I never thanked you for that ever. Even though I never realize how powerful your love was that it provided me all the strength that I needed to stand and face the challenges that life poses, now when I am away, so far off, I am terribly missing you. Your love never had any conditions or expectations; it was just pure love … so much of it.

I hate myself for not valuing it. I hate myself for all the indifference that I ever showed to you. I am guilty of being ignorant. I love you mom and I am missing you terribly :( ………..

Main kabhi yeh keheta nahi ....

‘You better take … (loss of voice, soreness) … good care of yourself. Be very cautious of your health and …’ she couldn’t actually control the dizziness in the voice and the soreness of the vocal cords because. All I could do was to keep nodding, I had lost the count of the number of times she had repeated her instructions now. She would just not get tired of it and do it every time without fail.

‘It is just a matter of six months and then I will be back.  What’s the big deal?’

She waited, smiled and said ‘You would know it when you will be a father. Then I will see if you will consider it as a big deal or what.’ I could not say anything, just had to keep quite.

My mum is not very fond of us (me and bro) getting away. She hates my job which might demand extended stays away and sometimes even abroad. Every time when I use to leave, she will be ready with her instructions and gushy see-offs. And I do not like them one bit. I hate when she cries, especially on these occasions as I feel that I am making her cry. This makes me feel bad, more so because it prompts me of the fact that I would really not be around in person for her. On top of that, I cannot express this explicitly which aggravates the pain further.

While it was already the time to leave, we both did not realize that. In fact it seemed that the cruel clock was sprinting in the sheer fun of seeing me getting parted of my mum. While, no doubt, that she was crying, I also strangely experienced some blurred vision. I touched my eyes and felt the chilliness around with the swift breeze rubbing over my tears ….  

Mum … I too am scared of darkness … (par andhere se darta hu main maa).